Blaming others is always so easy and it makes us feel good. I know it made me feel good I ain’t gonna lie, very good in fact because I didn’t have to take responsibility for any of my failures, someone else was to blame so… I’m fine.

Both my parents were Medical professionals that worked hard but from what I can remember, they were always there for me and I was happy. Until they split up.

I was a kid and for a kid, drastic change like that can be confusing, to say the least.

But I felt that I was cool and in my crazy way, I rode through adulthood amazingly.

Or so I thought.

I have failed so many things in my life that looking back now is shocking because there was no way I could have failed them if I didn’t want to.

I have left so many projects halfway through because I suddenly lost interest and give up.

And I have lost so many great opportunities in life for not taking it seriously. And my excuses for it were that when I was growing up I didn’t have my parents around to give me structure, counsel me, guide me to the right choice, teach me to this and that, you get my drift. But was I alone? No. Didn’t I have all those supports? I did. Didn’t I have guided support in my upbringing? I did.

Like I said, not taking responsibility for my actions was far more interesting than accepting that I was failing myself intentionally although subconsciously.

I always thought that I could have accomplished far more in life than I have because my parents did not care. I blame them for not being in my life fully and supporting my endeavours. The question is, would it have made a difference if they were in my life like I wanted? Probably. My epiphany came when I have my kids, I asked myself why would it have made a difference if my parents were in my life and the answer is, that I wanted their approval.

I was taught to be independent, to make my own mind about things because I was given a brain for a reason, always to stand and speak my truth, to take responsibility for my choices and stand by them one hundred per cent, that I was my own person and people’s opinions are just that, opinions, the ultimate decision should be mine and mine only, therefore, them being in my life I would have followed exactly what I was taught, make my own choices regardless of their input. So why didn’t I? Because not taking responsibility for my lack of interest was far more comforting than if I blame it on them and I could cry tears from the poor victim and get away with it. Sad, but yes, while I was doing that it felt ok, I was not to blame, my parents were the ones that set me up for those failures. But I realised that that was the biggest lie I was telling myself so that I can feel better.

Then the shame hit me. My Grandmother taught me better so I start questioning myself. Is this what I wanted to show my kids? Are these the lessons I wanted them to learn that blaming others for our shortcomings was ok? No, definitely not! I wanted better for them and I was going to teach them exactly the same as my Grandmother thought me.

Being honest with ourselves first is the most precious thing in life because when you’re honest with yourself you can be honest with the world without fear.

The honest self-reflection is the key to moving forward. I took the advice and I never felt so free.

I taught my kids to be courageous and speak up if they were not happy with something other than keeping it to themselves and replaying it in their minds, I let them know that I’m here for them and this is a democracy therefore they have freedom of choice in everything regarding their lives. I taught them that there’s always a solution to everything in life. Like they say… “If there’s a will, there’s a way”.

I didn’t want them to have those sad bitter feelings I harboured against my parents, I loved them and I didn’t want that for them because they crippled me for years. I now know better therefore I taught them better.

I’ve realised that the way to happiness is to open the gates, walk towards it and let it meet you halfway.

I actual say thank you to the way the universe orchestrated my life. I don’t think I would have been so proud of myself today if I had everything handed to me easily. I like challenges and if there’s one thing I’ve learned is to fight for what my heart truly desires as long as I’m not dimming myself for the sake of it.

After self-reflection, I realised that I was being ungrateful rather than feeling blessed! My parents weren’t around like I wanted them to, but they provided me with everything I wanted. For the guilt of absence or love, I had to all.

They both loved me! They were always proud of me and only had praised words for me. Looking back and going over things I blamed them for makes me sad and shameful but I let it go because I learn the lesson.

I love my parents dearly and I wouldn’t or couldn’t have asked for better ones.

I love you dad and I will never forget our times together.

In loving memory of my dad, Carlos Pina.

By the one and only,

Graciete Pina