I started rebelling when I was around 10 to 11 years old, I realised that none of my brilliant plans to bring my dad back was working so, frog it, I’m going to change tactics. Like they say, “Bad publicity or Good publicity is publicity”, right? I embraced it fully.

At that age, I was always delivering on the highest excellence, everything had to be perfect at all times, my grades in specific because I knew my dad thrived on good results, and failure was not an option therefore I was always at the top of my classes and in any other endeavour I took on, just to impress him so he can feel proud of me and come back quick. Until I realise that it wasn’t working. I can tell you, it was a tough realisation.

But you know what, I wasn’t going to sit there mopping about it, I was turning the game into my favour.

I was always good and it wasn’t working so frog it, I was going to do whatever I want, good or bad and couldn’t care less because nobody else cared. “Nobody else” means my dad. So entered the “New Me”.

It’s funny that I didn’t start by ignoring my studies, I think deep down I still wanted to impress my dad.

Anyway… I start by giving away my dolls, and valuable presents, clothes, and foods from the pantry, being rude, not greeting people or ignoring their greetings, taking someone else’s seat in class and asking them to sit on the floor if they’re not happy about it, until the teacher walks in of course. As I said, I think subconsciously I was keeping my academic side good to impress “Nobody cares”.

I remembered one of my peers saw me coming and extend their hand to offer me something, I can’t remember what it was because I didn’t even look at it, I just toss it off of my face and it went flying, I just kept walking and felt the silence behind me, I guess they were stunned by my behaviour, I couldn’t care less.

One day I was watching my cousin and my brother playing, we were “The Trio”, Myself, Tomás and Alex. They wanted me to join them as always but I was feeling sorry for myself, I didn’t join them but stood there wishing I did. A few minutes later the ball came to my feet and they asked me to kick it back to them, I kicked it all right, in the opposite direction and walked away. They shouted that I was being mean and obviously they told on me.

But what was the annoying thing about it, no one believed them! I was trying to call attention and I was still invisible. What a frog?

I didn’t give up, no, I did not!. I was starting secondary school and can’t find the most perfect place to be rebellious.

It was 4 of us in our group, myself, Puto, Neneta and Dionísio. We were thick as thieves, we do everything together, and we go everywhere together. Puto was the “Ring leader”, Neneta was the “Go with the flow”, Dionísio was the “The Cautious One” and I was “The rebel in the making”. Gees, I miss those times!

People who knew me previously were seeing a new me and were shocked by it but I was loving it! It was so liberating, adrenalin rush and amazing. Finally, someone was about to see it. I thought.

My first real rush of adrenaline came unexpectedly, we were walking home after class and Puto says “Let’s go to the market and I’ll buy you all whatever you want, it’s my turn to pay“. All jolly, we went. “Pick whatever you want”, he said, “And don’t be shy, I’m paying”. We picked different things, mostly sweets and fruits. We were waiting for Puto, he was still looking indecisive, he turn to us and said “You guys can go on, I will pick mine, pay and join you in a minute”. Of course, we walked away but stayed close waiting for him. WE were chatting away and suddenly we heard RUN!

We were stunned, Puto was running and zoomed passed us, Neneta and Dionísio followed immediately and I was still standing puzzled trying to make sense of what was happening. As I saw the cashier running in my direction, I felt Dionísio’s hand on my wrist pulling me with him, then the reality it me… Oh, my Frogging God, what have we done?

We were younger and athletes, that man was no match to any of us but we never stop running until we were miles away from the market. When we stop we were on the floor laughing, it was exhilarating!

It was an amazing sensation that I had never felt before and I was ready for the next, Dionísio stopped me in my tracks. “No, you almost got caught! Why didn’t you run?” He shouted. “Well, if I knew we were going to ROB the market, maybe I would have used a mask and worn my running shoes instead”. I replied. Puto looked at me and said, “Oh, mask… maybe we should go robbing during carnival!”

I still remember the horror on Dionísio’s face. “What?” He shouted, we all burst laughing then he realised Puto was Joking to get him out of his serious mode and we were all laughing again.

I will never forget that day because it was simply amazing! For full disclosure, I wanted to go back and do it again, that’s how glorious I was feeling about it, but was quickly talked out of it by Dionísio. Man! That boy was too serious for his age. Or was he just very sensible? I’ll give him the last.

Those days, the trouble of being caught causing trouble wasn’t about being taken to the police station, by saying our names they wouldn’t have even taken us in, the trouble of being caught was about calling your parents on you. I was ready for it but my friends weren’t rebelling, they were just being kids and having fun.

Again, my plans failed and it sucked!

Guess what? I didn’t give up! Someday somehow, someone was going to notice.

I got into fights, tear my notebook into pieces, and set fire to the dry leaves that ended up burning my eyebrows, not knowing that the gasoline was poured over it to burn it quickly to avoid the smoke, it was the correct way but because I have never done it, I didn’t know and I stood a tad too close. But that lesson I have learnt the hard way.

I even got drunk but that was by accident, I was quickly saved by my sisters after I fell straight like a log, face first.

So I pushed on and on until finally! Someone noticed.

It was on a weekend, and one of my best friends, Fátima and I decided to go to the city for fun. I was 12 and she was 14, she lived 2 houses away.

I was supposed to go to my Grandmother’s house that afternoon as I said to my mum, instead I went to the city with my friend. It was an amazing plan and couldn’t believe I was actually getting away with it!

But like my Grandmother later told me that I was NOT getting away with my shenanigans, the thing is, people were just trusting me and I was failing myself. She saw it all. She saw everything I was doing, she understood and chose to ignore me.

One day I asked her why she never said anything? Her reply was suave as usual. “Every Clown needs an audience, take it away and they have no show.” That was deep, I ain’t gonna lie. I felt hurt, and ignored. Again!

Never mind… back to myself and Fátima.

That day we had fun, we did some shopping, eat so much ice cream, walk around the parks and so on and so on, we were having great fun.  I “was” at my Gran’s so no time limit for me, but she was meant to go back home by 7 pm. When we finally realised that it was getting late, it was 6:50 pm, she panicked, her father was a mother frogging heavy-handed man. We had 10 minutes to get home or she was going to be severely punished. Walking home was achievable but it would have taken us at least another hour, we were having fun and we got carried away and finish our transport budget on shopping and stuff and we can’t pay for travel back home. That’s when it occurred to me.

“Let’s take a Taxi”, I said, “But we have no money left!” She replied, I waved to the Taxi that was coming, Fátima asked me if I had some money left, and I said yes, and we got in. Halfway, I whispered to her that I didn’t have any money with me but had some at home and will pay when we get there.

As the Taxi entered our road, I could see my mum talking to the next-door neighbour outside, there was no way I could justify arriving in a Taxi with my friend, and even if we stop at Fátima’s door, they would have spotted us. I wanted to rebel but not at the cost of my friend, I knew her troubles wouldn’t have been ignored so I had an epiphany.

I asked the driver to stop way before our door, about 8 houses away, it was (Tia) Aunt Naná’s house. I said to Fátima to get out, she was nervous as heck, she did and I said to the driver that we were going to get our mum to come and pay, he said ok calmly. He was trusting, I guess he probably was never mugged before by teenagers.

I got off and said to Fátima, let’s walk into the house, out at the back and run, she looked at me for a second, I thought she was going to refuse, but she smiled, game was on.

A small fact that I didn’t consider, we knew everyone in our neighbourhood and they knew us.

The great thing then is that no one closed their doors unless they were ready to go to bed. So we walked in, past them in the dining room having dinner, we just emailed broadly, said hi and bye, all of them looking at us puzzled, we got out the back door, and we run.

We jumped the fence to the opposite house, walk again with smiles in and out of the house, again, hit the road and doubled down to our road and stayed at the corner looking down at tia Naná’s house, the Taxi driver was still waiting patiently for his pay.

No adults were around so Fátima said she had to go, she walked almost back glued to the fence until she got into her house. I stood outside looking at the driver waiting calmly, I felt a sense of pride, my amazing plot was working magic!

Then the driver tired of waiting, got out of the car, and my stomach crunched, another fact I didn’t consider. I don’t know why I had the stupid idea that he was just going to sit down waiting, get tired and drive off.

I was still staring, the driver is at the door now, talking to tia Naná, and calm words were exchanged, I couldn’t see anything much by then, it was getting dark and shadows were obstructing my view.  The driver went back to his car and drove away, Tia Naná went back inside and I exhaled and finally go into the house.

The next morning I met Fátima at her house so we can walk to school together, we literally just walk about one hundred meters, cross the road and we were at the school, but we waited for each other religiously.

I noticed a small bruise on her cheek, I understood that a couple of slaps paid for the last night 15 minutes lateness. I felt bad but pushed it away, she was proud and didn’t want my pity so I explain to her, another one of my great laid plans to avoid tia Naná, I told her that we simply going to take another route to school, and she agreed.

We followed my ingenious plan and got away with it for a few days, unfortunately, our glorious lives as fugitives were short-lived.

We were joined by another friend, we got distracted talking and took the wrong turn, we were at the road that passes tia Naná’s house when we realised, we froze halfway when our friend said by and turn to her road, we immediately look at tia Naná’s house to see if anyone saw us. Yes, tia Naná was sitting on her porch doing her crochet calmly, Fátima made a shushing sound, I agreed quietly and we walked slowly and silently trying not to call attention to ourselves, but as we passed, tia Naná called us, “Girls, come for a sorbet”. We look at each other nervously, we knew we were going to have more than a sorbet to suck on but we had no choice.

You see, back home, at least when I was growing up, your background or circumstances doesn’t matter, the level of respect you have for your elders is exactly the same level you have to have for all other elders regardless of you know them or not.

We sat down, she called her son Osiris, he was older than us but he and I were part of soul nerds. We loved it. We devoured books like no other business.

Osiris brought us Sorbet, we said thanks and he try to make conversation casually, I guess he was pre-warned not to mention anything about that night so he went back inside nervously. My stomach crunched, that was not a good sign.

Tia Naná grilled us with silence for a few minutes and out of nowhere, “So, why did you two leave the Taxi driver waiting at my door and run away without paying?” Tia Naná ask, once again my stomach crunched badly this time, the goody-two-shoes in me said sternly, “I told you it was wrong!” I calmed it down by reassuring myself that it was all ok and that I had another great plan to get out of it, and this one was solid!

Fátima was sweating, she didn’t want to get into any trouble because the consequences for her were terrible, I understood. I looked at her and smile and turn to tia Naná and said that we were meant to come back and pay her and in fact, we have money at home that we gathered to pay her, Fátima looked at me paled, shocked, knowing that the lies that were coming out of my mouth were pushing us into dipper grave, I signal her to calm down, to assure her that I had the money, she believed me and relaxed.

I said to Tia Naná that we were going to bring her money the next morning on our way to school. She agreed and we were about to leave, then it all went pare shape when Osiris came back out with a couple of books I had lent him, at that second, tia Naná had a “Haha!” moment. She said to me not to worry about passing into her house in the morning, that I should keep the money with me because she was going to have tea with my mum that afternoon and I could give it to her then.

I froze, at that precise moment, I had the realisation that bandit life was not for me because my retracted goody-two-shoes were loud and clear! “If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime!”

Sadly, I had to admit the defeat, I was a lousy bandit and should just quit while I was ahead.

Those who knew me, know that my books were my world, my Gran called them my third limb, I was always carrying a book or two everywhere I go. Sometimes tree, just in case. And my punishment was taking them away from me and tia Naná knew it!

Fátima almost fainted I could see her face going pale, and tears start rolling down my face. Tia Naná was going to tell on us, Fátima was going to get beaten into a pulp and it was all my fault. At that moment, I couldn’t care about being grounded and my books were taken away from me, the guilt of putting my friend in so much trouble to prove my stupid cause was engulfing me. I surrendered there and then, no more “banditism”.

Tia Naná calmed us down and after a long lecture that we deserved, she let us go. We walked away hugging tightly to each other, we know we escaped it by a thread. Fátima made me promise not to create any more of my amazing plans, I happily agreed and commit fully.

It was the end of my bandit/rebellious days and I actually felt relieved.

I was at my grandmother’s one afternoon, she was looking at me with a smile, I looked at her puzzled and ask if I had something on my face, she laughed and said no, that she was just proud of me once again that I decided to put my tools away. I didn’t get it until later on in life. She knew it all, she always knew it all.

In loving memory of those I love and lost: Tita (My Grandmother), Tia Naná and Puto. I will always love you.

By the one and only,

Graciete