Wearing my wiser eyes now and looking back at the past, I can see that I have become a better person with the lessons I have learned early in my life through advice, events and observations. One in special was the big argument with my sister Nina. Check the Article. That episode was the catalyst of my personality transformation.

I was born into a privileged family, healthy and wealthy. We had all kinds of service personnel you can name. It was colonial times and my family chauffeur was a white man. The power of money.

But with my family it wasn’t only wealth that was abundant, the political power was also in play. My uncle was the first Mayor of my Country, the man that received the key to the city when independence was proclaimed and colonialism was leaving, the one that was in charge handed him the key in a pomp and circumstances ceremony.

He was married to the President’s niece, and so on and so on, my family power was truly abundant in all aspects. Being a kid growing up in that kind of environment makes you oblivious to the world at large, you know what you think you know and that’s all you know. But being part of that kind of family the expectations are high and I was an overachiever.

Since I can remember I have always had a very strong, confident and royal regalness personality that was vested in me by my family. I thank them forever, especially my Grandma Joana, may God protect her soul. I was respectful, kind, considerate, well-mannered and always my very best. I was praised and prized at all times and I loved it.

When I was of school age, I was always the first on everything, I was a goody-two-shoes, teacher’s pet, happy to please, ready for more, I said my please and thank you religiously, I was just good, the happy child postcard until the teen hormones kicked in and my arrogance chart shoots through the roof.

To describe it in the way I visualise it now is like from Classical music and jumping genres straight to Punk-Rock. Yeah, the shift was ridiculous.

Suddenly I was the victim, blaming everyone for my misfortunes, nothing was my fault and frog the world, I couldn’t care less. I was furious with the way my life turned up and felt that I am done pretending that I was happy regardless. I was pitying myself and my exaggerated emotions felt like it was all times two thousand. It was ugly, I was feeling abandoned and empty.

I was very close to both my parents, for them I was the first and my siblings came after younger and older, it was like that and I felt privileged. Even with my brothers and sisters, cousins and all the extended family, I was the “Cute” one that everyone wanted to hug, the “Smart one that everyone wanted to talk to, the “Kind” one that everyone wanted to pat in the back, Until I wasn’t…

My dad left when I was seven, and my mum was a very busy professional, Matron of the national hospital, then become involved in politics in the name of helping others which makes things worst, she became a Diplomat and was constantly travelling all over the world for aid and support for the less fortunate. I was left “alone”. But I was never alone, I had my older sister Gina and the service personnel including a chauffeur that looked after me all the time, not to mention my Grandma. But never the less, it was the feeling of being alone in a crowd. I lashed out.

Both my parents showered me with presents to compensate for their absence, expensive toys, expensive clothing, expensive whatever I’ve asked for, you name it. Then I start to regress into myself without even realising what was happening, I start giving away all those things to whomever I want quietly because I just couldn’t care less, they were not fulfilling me anymore.

I remember once I was at my Grandmother’s because every summer we spent it at Grandma’s. All of us, the Grandkids spent school breaks at Grandma’s. To be honest, looking back I don’t know how we fit in that house because it was a lot of us. Not only the Grandkids but also the other family members that were living with her. Honestly, at some point, I think it was over 15 of us. Fun and Games all the time and it was the most fun I ever experienced in my life.

It was school term, my mother was travelling and decided to send me to my Grandmother’s, I think they were noticing my mood change and didn’t want to leave it to chance with my sister. Then came the weekend and my Grandmother decided to take us for a weekend stay with some family outside the city, it was my little brother Alex, my cousin Tomas and myself it was only us that were there at that time. She asked us to pack something small for two days.

The boys had a small backpack and one of the maids came out with the things I’d asked to pack, but for some reason, my suitcase didn’t make it to that trip.

When we arrived we were happily greeted and from the get-go, I pointed out to one of the kids that she should change because her dress had holes in it. I was proudly wearing my pretty and colourful dress and suddenly my grandmother had a tea accident that landed on me and I had to change my dress, but my suitcase was forgotten so she suggested that I borrowed one of my cousin’s dresses, annoyed but I accept, but when I saw it and noticed that it was just as bad as the one she was wearing, I said no point-blank and ask to wear my brothers or cousins clothes, my Grandma accepted. I think from that day, my tomboy personality was up-and-coming. I felt liberated. And by the end of that weekend, I stop noticing the hole in my cousin’s dress because I ended up wearing them and felt just fine.

She had a very cool and casual way of making me understand the wrongs, and when that knowledge is embedded in me after my bursts outs, tears roll down my face and she will know that I understood. But when I just shake my head agreeing quickly she knew I was just trying to get out of it, she will let me go but eventually catch me off guard for another casual lesson until it sinks in.

I was taught to remember that I am unbreakable, that you only lose to your opponent when they put you on the ground and you lay still, but soon as you pick yourself up and dust yourself off, the game is on and with the lessons you have learnt from defeat, you’re going for the win. And what will bring that win was not only the lessons from defeat but also always remembering who you were. It never failed me.

I was taught that honesty is the only thing that can get you out of trouble because when you do something wrong and lie about it, it becomes two wrongs, so lying about your misdeeds was not an option, therefore I told the truth at all times, especially when I was venting my frustration, I will regally smile and tell you “The Truth”. Until it backfired.

I was a know-it and can do it all child and very proud. I call everyone on their miss spell, badly pronounced words or not knowing what an item is. I was privileged, I had things that most kids never even saw in their lives so for me it was weird for them not to know.

My Grandma held these “Finishing” classes during summer stay when everyone was there, to teach us new things and scores them in the end to encourage them, but I always chose to go biking, running around or play football with the boys while the girls were learning.

One day she gave me an option, sit for the class or go back home, I sat for the class. First, she announced that I never sat because I already knew how to crochet because I told her that by looking at what they were doing, I could do it too. I immediately felt a prickle of sweat on my forehead. Don’t get me wrong, my mum did thought me a little but I was just NOT interested in it and find it extremely boring. But that day I had no choice.

We all got on with it, my Grandmother checked on all the others from time to time, giving them advice and correcting them to get it better, and she left me to it and I was happy until she reminded everyone to wrap it up and place them on the table for the score, I felt a deep pang in the pit of my stomach, the realisation that for the first time in my life, I was going to score last. I didn’t like it at all.  I did try to get out of it by just putting my crochet set down and leaving but she asked me if I wanted to cut my holiday short, I sat back down quickly.

Everyone put their set down on the table and I did last when everyone went back to their seat, my Nan walk around checking one by one and scoring and didn’t mention the winner that day, just called out the loser… my God, it was painful. I was told I was horrible at it and she promise never to get me into it again because she understood that I will never be good at it. I was upset for being called on my shortcoming and obviously had a comeback, I said I don’t care because I’ll get a maid to do it if I ever want one but probably will never because I don’t like them, my Nan said it was a good idea and dismissed everyone and hold me back, she knew I was furious because I embarrassed, she sent me to get her Cola in the shop, I went, by the time I came back the upset was gone and was engaged in a conversation with my brother Alex and my cousin Tomas.

I had over the Cola to my Grandma and she ask me to sit down, I did, I thought I was going to get lectured and forced to take more lessons, instead, she apologised to me for calling me on my crochet misfortune and said that she was sorry because “It’s not right” to point out other people failure even when it’s the truth because it can hurt them. I was numb and tears rolled down my face, she smiled, pat me on the shoulder and leave me in the room, she knew the lesson had sunken in.

I am who I am today because my personality was shaped to respect who I am and the others on the same level, not to hold on to material things and learn that is not about what someone has is about them being as human as I am, that what hurts me hurts them the same way, that being humble and respectful regardless of your circumstances will gain you more friends than opponents.

But as we grow, life changes and the world starts taking over, crushing and trying to re-mould you into what is expected of you, telling you what you must conform with to be able to fit in, literally forcing you to accept all the BS for the sake of being accepted in the mother frogging society, corrupting your soul for the sake of power and possession. Or worse yet, you change your core values for the sake of power and possession, accepting BS from others by diminishing yourself to please them. I object!

I may not have the life I was once new in the material sense, but I am still me and nothing will change that. Material things can’t keep me bound in any shape or form because I had it all before.

Looking back now I realised that my Grandmother was a Smooth Operator and I loved her to bits! I had more fun memories with her than with my mother and I appreciated every single one of them.

I love you Titia.

By the one and only

Graciete