I have always been the type of person that sees the world in a positive and possible way, always looking into everything with my rose-tinted glasses, smiling with faith that everything will develop magically for the greater good. That the fault is not really something to pull your hair over, they’re just temporary glitches. For me, there’s always a solution for everything, regardless of what it may be.

I am not a person to hold a grudge, when things happen to me, no matter how bad they are, I always let it go. I’m not going to say I don’t feel hurt because I will be lying, I am human and I hurt a lot. I know and have been told million times that I am an overly sensitive soul therefore when the pain hits me it feels probable that million times more. I accept.

However, I don’t believe in hanging on to the pain, I truly believe that dwelling on them will lead to physical ailments that’s why I always chose to let them disintegrate and evaporate from my heart but the actions that brought that pain remain in my head. Not to hold a grudge or seek revenge, but to store in my mind’s library of experience as a lesson learned that helps me grow. But I truly forgive and let go.

I am the type of person, or best to say became that type of person, the type that when upset, I don’t trough a quick come back because I know that whatever I say will not only hurt the other person but that they will haunt me in the long run and forever.

I always replay everything I say to people in my head to assure myself that I didn’t hurt them with my words. I have been told it’s stupid, that I should give them a mother frogging piece of my mind and it will help me unwind. I don’t believe in that, I believe that there’s nothing that cannot be solved, but words spoken cannot be taken back. Saying sorry doesn’t take them back.

I always think…. Imagine getting into an argument with a friend, partner or family, I am feeling hurt by their words and I retaliate with even worst ones for the sake of feeling them justified. We went our separate ways and the things cool down and we are back into the relationship. The fact that we are now ok and me remembering the horrible things I said to that person will play on my mind forever. And I mean forever.

When I was about 14 or 15 years old, very strong-headed with the teenager “Know it all” attitude. I argued with my older sister, I can’t even remember the reason, I just know that I must have said something extremely rude or hurtful to her, so she slapped me. The fury got the best of me and I tore her blouse right open.

She was stunned, frozen in shock, it was her favourite blouse and everyone knew it. I just walked away unbothered. Until this day, the memory of that horrible attitude of mine brings tears to my eyes. Yeap, they’re rolling right now.

And the truth is that I can’t remember what that argument was about and what I said to my sister. I only know that it was something pretty horrible that my sub-conscience decides to hide to spare me more pain.

But Karma got me so quickly that my whole world was turned. I felt bad. And the reason why I felt so bad afterwards is that late that day, I walked into our mum’s bedroom, and there she was, my sister, sitting on the bed, silently hugging her toured blouse and tears running down her face and that image became the worst nightmare of my existence.

I didn’t say sorry, I just walked out quietly, went to my room and cried my eyes out. Alone. I was ashamed of myself and didn’t want anyone to know or see how horrible I felt. That day I had to admit to myself what I was told so many times by my Grandma Joana, that I was arrogant and need to curb it if I am to move on in life. At that very moment, the considerate personality that I possess today was formed.

My sister is one of the calmest and kindest people I have ever met in this life, she does not like confrontation and in fact, always look for a way out when confronted instead of engaging in it. And that is what makes it even more terrible because she would never, ever do anything like that to anyone.

You are probably going to be shocked by me confessing that until today, I have never apologised to her. I know, I know. It is not because I am not remorseful and have deeply regretted my actions, no, it’s because I am too afraid to bring the painful day back and hear her repeat the horrible words I said to her. You see, I didn’t only do one bad act, but two. I said something hurtful and destroy her most loved item.

When I saw Nina crying in my mum’s bedroom and went to mine, I thought I was in my room by myself crying and no one knew or saw, but my Grandma knew.

After my realisation, I spent days almost by myself in my room. One day My Grandma came and sat next to me, I looked at her and we both miles in silence. She pats my hand and said to me that change is hard but it is always for the greater good and that the best lessons are learnt the hard way. And That it was ok to feel sad and strange. I understood immediately what she meant because since that day I felt that I was birthed by myself, that the person that I become just jumped out of my old self, and looking back to that old self felt grossly uncomfortable.

I’m still gathering the courage to talk to my sister about it, thinking of ways of preparing myself to hear the words I said to her that day that took her to the extreme, words that shock her out of her character. I am afraid.

She forgave me I know that for sure because she went back to being her own funny and happy self. Trying to tell me jokes to make me laugh. I think she knew how bad I felt and was trying to get me out of it. But I was too ashamed to look her in eyes, it took me months to finally be able to but just because of the efforts she put into shaking me out of it. I never forgot, but I have learned and grown as a person.  I Love You, Nina!

By the one and only

Graciete